If it is important to show my child I understand, what is wrong with simply saying, “ I understand how you feel”?
The problem with saying “I understand how you feel” is that some children just do not believe you. They will answer, “no, you do not.” But if you take the trouble to be specific, then the child knows you really do understand.
Suppose I try to identify a feeling and it turns out that I am wrong. What then?
No Harm done, your child will quickly set you right.
It would be presumptuous doe any one person to assume he could always know what another person is feeling. All we can do is attempt to understand our children’s feelings. We wont always succeed, but our efforts are usually appreciated.
I know feelings should be accepted, but I find it hard to know how to react when I hear, ”You re mean” or “I hate you” from my own child.
If “I hate you” upsets you, you might want to let your child know, “I did not like what I just heard. If you are angry about something, tell to me in another way. Then maybe I can help you.”
If there any way to help a child who is upset other than letting him know you understand his feelings? My son has very little tolerance for any kind of frustration. Occasionally it does seem to help when I acknowledge his feelings and say something like, “That must be frustrating!”; but usually when he is in such an emotional state, he does not even hear me.
Sometimes when children are extremely upset, sometimes a physical activity can help relieve some of the painful feelings. We have heard many stories about angry children who have felt calmer after punching pillows, harming old grocery cartons, pounding and kneading clay, roaring like a lion, throwing darts. But he one activity that seems most comfortable for parents to watch and most satisfying for children to do, is to draw their feelings.
If I accepted all of my child’s feelings, wont that give him the idea that anything he does is all right with me. I do not want to be permissive parent.
We, too worried about being permissive. But gradually we began to realize that this approach was permissive only in the sense that all feelings were permitted. For example, “I can see that you are having fun making designs in the butter with your fork.”
But that does not mean that you have to permit a child to behave in a way that is unacceptable to you. As you remove the butter, you can also let the young “artist” know what that “Butter is not for playing with. If you want to make designs, you can use your clay.”
We found that when we accept our children’s feelings, they were more able to accept the limits we set for them.
What is the objection to giving children advice when they have problem?
When we give children advice or instant solutions, we deprive them of the experience that comes from wrestling with their own problems.
Is there a time for advice? Certainly.
Is there anything you can do if you realize afterwards that you have given your child an unhelpful response? Yesterday my daughter came home school very upset. She wanted to tell me about how some kids picked on her in the playground. I was tired and preoccupied; and so I brushed her off and told her to stop crying, that it was not the end of the world. She looked very unhappy and went up to her room. I knew I muffed it, but what can I do now?
Every time a parent says to himself “I sure muffed it that time. Why did not I think to say ….,” he automatically gets another chance. Life with children is open-ended. There is always another opportunity-later in the hour, day, or week-to say, “I have been thinking about what you told me before, about those kids teasing you at the playground. And I realize now that must have been pretty upsetting.”
Compassion is always appreciated, whether it comes sooner or later.