Is it important that I always empathize with my child?
No. Many of our conversations with our children consist of casual exchanges. If a child were to say, “Mom, I decided to go to David’s house after school today,” It would seem unnecessary for the parent to reply, “So you made a decision to visit a friend this afternoon.” A simple “Thanks for letting me know” would be sufficient acknowledgment. The time for empathy is when a child wants you to know how he feels. Reflecting his positive feelings presents few problems. It is not hard to respond to a youngster’s exuberant “I got ninety-seven on my math test today!” with an equally enthusiastic, “Ninety-seven! You must be so pleased!”.
It is his negative emotions that require our skill. That is where we have to overcome the old temptation to ignore, deny moralize, etc. One father said that what helped him become more sensitive to his son’s emotional needs was when he began to equate the boy’s bruised, unhappy feelings with physical bruises. Somehow the image of a cut or laceration helped him realize that his son required as prompt and serious attention for his hurt feelings as he would for a hurt knee.
What is wrong with asking a child directly, “Why do you feel that way”.
Some children can tell you why they are frightened, angry, or unhappy. For many, however, the question “Why?” only adds to their problem. In addition to their original distress, they must now analyze the cause and come up with a reasonable explanation. Very often children do not know why they feel as they do. Other times they are reluctant to tell because they fear that in the adult’s eyes, their reason wont seem good enough.
It is much more helpful for an unhappy youngster to hear, “ I see something is making you sad,” rather than to be interrogated with, “What happened?” or “Why do you feel that way?”. It is easier to talk to a grown-up who accepts what you are feeling rather than one who presses you for explanations.
Are you saying we should let our children know we agree with their feelings?
Children do not need to have their feelings agreed with; they need to have them acknowledged. The statement, “You are absolutely right,” might be satisfying to hear for the moment, but it can also prevent a child from thinking things through for himself.
Example:
Child: The teacher says she is calling off our class play. She is mean.
Parent: After all those rehearsals? I agree with you. She must be mean to do a thing like that!
End of discussion.
Notice how much easier it is for a child to think constructively then his feelings are accepted:
Child: My teacher says she is calling off the class play.
She is mean.
Parent: That must be a big disappointment for you. You were looking
forward to it.
Child: Yeah. Just because some kids fool around at rehearsal. It is their fault.
Parent (Listens silently)
Child: She is mad because nobody knows their parts, too.
Parent: I see.
Child: She said if we “shaped up”, she might give us one more chance ….. I
Better go over my lines again, Would you cue me tonight?
Conclusion: What people of all ages can use in a moment of distress is not agreement or disagreement; they need someone to recognize what is they are experiencing.