Your child has to learn to read his own cues.
You will play a key role in helping your child to identify his intensity cues, but ultimately your child has to take over this task. Infants and toddlers wont be able to do it themselves, but you will want to describe with words the cues you see. For example you might say, “You are breathing faster,” or “Your voice is getting louder”. It will probably amaze you how quickly your child starts to notice these behaviours and is able to tell you, “Momy, I breathe fast Help me!”.
Kids really do want to learn how to manage their intensity. The eruptions frighten them to make them feel out of control.
Kids know the feeling of intensify; they just do not have the words to describe it. Once you have made volcanoes together they have a concrete image of intensity and you have a way to talk about that mounting pressure.
Your child’s intensity does not exist in a vacuum. It is there right in front of you, potentially fueling your intensity. That is why it is just as important to know your own behavioural cues that indicate your glass is filling up.
Learning how to turn off or reduce the magnitude of a stress reaction is an essential skill for high intensity children. Your job is to teach them how.
There are different suggestions on how to reduce the stress reactions such as
- Exercise
- Repetitive motion especially of the jaw
- Deep breathing
- Humor
- Changing the scene or activity, especially activities that engage the senses, like back rub, warm bath, or pounding modeling dough.
Exercise:
Daily exercise is a great tool for managing intensity. It lowers blood pressure ad resting heart rate. The exercise can be anything you and your child enjoy, as long as it makes you feel good. If you are jogging for twenty minutes and spending the entire time ruminating about how miserable you are or who you are going to tell off when you get back, it will soothe you. Think about your child. What physical activities does she enjoy? Plan those activities into your child’s day just as you plan her meals.
Repetitive Motion:
Repetitive motion, especially of the jaw, soothes and calms. This is why babies like to suck on pacifiers or nurse when they are starting to get upset. Other kids suck their thumbs. When they stop these activities you have to help them find other things that soothe. If your older kids start to get cranky, you can calm them by giving them a straw to drink their juice with. Sucking a beverage through a straw is a socially acceptable repetitive motion that brings down intensity.
Deep Breathing:
Sit up straight. Put your hand on your belly button. Inhale, drawing your breath from your abdomen. Feel your hand rise as it lies on your belly, then blow out slowly. Focus on the breath itself. It might feel strange, since most adults are shallow breathers, but do not give up. Continue for several minutes. Feel the change in your neck muscles? Deep breathing calms us. When intensity rises, we tend to hyperventilate or hold our breath. Catch yourself, and move up into deep, slow breathing.
In order to teach children how to breath deeply, get a bottle of bubbles, the kind that comes with a wand. The toddler tumbler bubble bottle is best because it does not spill. Hold the wand, and let your child blow. When children blow bubbles they are doing the same breathing that women learn in childbirth classes. If you do not have a bottle of bubbles, simply hold up three fingers and let your child blow each “candle” on your birthday cake. Encourage older kids, who might think bubbles and birthday candles are not cool, to watch professional basketball players at the free-throw line. Hands on hips, they breathe deeply before taking that shot. They know it helps them to center themselves. Deep breathing is literally a lifeline for intense individuals.
Humour:
Laughing changes our perspective, our breathing, and circulation in our facial muscles. It helps us manage our intensity. Smile, tell a joke, chuckle, and you will stay calmer.
A good belly laugh, an unexpected silly response, a different voice, a funny mask or puppet are all ways to diffuse intensity. It is okay to have fun as a parent and to be playful with your children. Developing a good sense of humor is an essential life skill specially in families where spirit lives.