Is not “how” you say something to a child just as important as “what” you say?
It certainly is. The attitude behind your words is as important as the words themselves.
The attitude that children thrive upon is one that communicates, “You are basically a
lovable, capable person. Right now there is a problem that needs attention. Once you are
aware of it, you will probably respond responsibly”.
The attitude that defeats children is one that communicates, “You are basically irritating
and inept. You are always doing something wrong, and this latest incident is one more
proof of your wrongness.
If Attitude is so important, why bother about words?
A parent’s look of disgust or tone of contempt can hurt deeply. But if, in addition, a child is subjected to words like “Stupid”, “Careless”, “Irresponsible”, “You will never leran”, he doubly wounded. Somehow words have a way of lingering long and poisonously. The worst is that children sometimes pull out these words at a later date and use them as weapons against themselves.
What is wrong with saying “Please” to a child if you want him to do something?
Certainly for requesting small favours like “Please pass the salt” or “Please hold the door”, the word “please” is a common amenity-a way of taking the sting out of the otherwise crude commands: “pass the salt” or “hold the door.”
We say “please” to our children to model a socially acceptable way to make a small request.
But “please” lends itself best to our more relaxed moments.
When we are really upset, a gentle “please” can lead to trouble
Consider the following dialogue:
Mother: Please do not jump on the sofa.
Child: (Continuing jumping)
Mother: (Louder) Please do not do that
Child: (Jumps again).
Mother: (Suddenly slaps child hard) I said “please,” did not I
What happened? Why did mother go from politeness to violence in a few seconds? The fact is that when you are extended yourself and have been ignored, anger follows swiftly. You tend to think, “How dare this kid defy me after I have been so nice? I will show him! Wham!.
When you want something done immediately, It is a good idea to speak forcefully rather than to plead. A loud, firm, “Sofas are not for jumping on” would probably stop the jumping a lot sooner. If the youngster persists, he can always be removed swiftly, with sternly repeated, “Sofas are not for jumping on”.
Is there any way to explain the fact that sometimes my kids respond when I ask them to do something and sometimes I can not seem to get through?
We once asked a group of schoolchildren why they sometimes did not listen to their parents. Here is what they told us:
“When I come home from school, I am tired, and if my mother asks me to do something, I pretend I do not hear her.”
“Sometimes I am so busy playing or watching TV, I really do not hear her.”
“Sometimes I am mad about something that happened in school and I do not feel like doing what she tells me”
In addition to the children’s thoughts, here are some questions you might want to ask yourself when you feel you are not “getting through”:
Does my request make sense in terms of my child’s age and ability?
Does he feel my request is unreasonable?
Can I give her a choice about when to do something, rather than insisting upon “right now”.
Can I offer a choice about how something is done?
Are there any physical changes that could be made in the house that would invite cooperation?
Finally, are most of my moments with my child spent asking her to “do things”? or am I taking out some time to be alone with her-just to “be together”?.