Describe.
Describe what you see or describe the problem.
The best part of using descriptive language is that it takes out the finger pointing and accusation, and helps everyone focus on what needs to be done.
“The milk spilled. We need a sponge”.
“The jar broke. We need a broom.”
You might want to try each of the above statements on yourself, only this time start each sentence with “you.” For example, “You soiled the milk……You broke the jar…..You tore pajamas…” Notice the difference? Many people claim the “you” makes them feel accused and then defensive. When we describe the event, we seem to make it easier for the child to hear what the problem is and deal with it.
Give information.
What we like about giving information s that in sense you are giving the child a gift he can use forever. For the rest of his life he will need to know that “milk turns sour when it is not refrigerated,” that “open cuts need to be kept clean,” that “fruit needs to be washed before eating.” That cookies get stale when the box is left open,” and so on. Parents have told us that the skill of giving information is not hard. What is hard, they say, is leaving off the insult at the end, such as “Dirty clothes belong in the laundry basket. You will never learn, will you?”.
The One-Word-Statement
This skill is much appreciated, it saves time, breath, and boring explanation.
Teenagers always say that they too prefer the single word, “Door” “Dog” or “Dishes” and find it a welcome relief from the usual lecture.
As we see it, the value of the one-word statement lies in the fact instead of an oppressive command, we give the child an opportunity to exercise his own initiative, and his own intelligence When he hears you say, “The dog,” he has to think, “What about the dog? …Oh, I did not walk him yet this afternoon…Guess I’d better take him out now”
Caution. Do not use your child’s name as your one-word statement. When a child hears a disapproving, “Susie,” many times during the day, she begins to associate her name with disapproval.
Describe what you feel.
Most parents are relieved to discover that it can be helpful to share their real feelings with their children, and that it is not necessary to be eternally patient. Children are not fragile. They are perfectly capable of dealing with statements like:
“This is not a good time for me to look at your composition. I am tense and distracted. After dinner I will be able to give it the attention it deserves.”
“It is a good idea to steer clear of me for the next little while, I am feeling irritable and it has nothing to do with you.”
One single mother who was raising two young children said that she used to be upset with herself because she often had no patience with them. Finally she decided to try to be more accepting of her feelings, and let her children know about them-in terms they could understand.
She started saying things like, “I have as much patience as a watermelon now.” And a little later on, “Well, right now I have so much patience as a grapefruit.” And still later she would announce, “It is about the size of a pea now. I think we ought to quit before it shrivels.”
She knew the children took her seriously, because one evening her son said, “Mom, what size is your patience now? Could you read us a story tonight?”
Still others expressed concern about describing their feelings If they shared their honest emotions, would not that make them vulnerable? Suppose they said to the child, “That upsets me”, and the child answered, “So who cares?”
Children whose feelings are respected are likely to be respectful of adult feelings. But there could well be a transition period in which you might get a fresh, “So who cares?” If it comes to that, you can let the child know, “I do, I care about how I feel. And I care about how you feel. And I expect this to be family where we are all caring about each other’s feelings.
Caution, Some children are very sensitive to their parents’ disapproval. For them strong statements like “I am angry” or “That makes me furious” are more than they can bear. In retaliation, they will belligerently answer, ”Well, then I am angry at you too”. For those children, it is best just to state your expectations. For example, instead of, “I am angry at you for pulling the cat’s tail” it would be more helpful to say, “I expect you to be kind to animals.”