Children usually object when their exact words are repeated back to them
Example:
Child: I do not like David anymore.
Parent: You do not like David anymore.
Child: (With annoyance) That is what I just said.
This child might have preferred a less parrotlike response, such as:
“Something about David bothers you.” Or
“Sounds as if you are really annoyed with him.”
There are youngsters who prefer no talk at all when they are upset. For them, Mom or Dad’s presence is comfort enough.
One mother told us about walking into the living room and seeing her ten-year-old daughter slumped on the sofa with tear-stained eyes. The mother sat down beside her, put her arms around her, murmured, “Something happened,” and sat silently with her daughter for five minutes. Finally her daughter sighed and said, “Thanks Mom, I am better now”. The mother never did find out what happened. All she knew was that her comforting presence must have been helpful, because an hour later she heard her daughter humming to herself in her room.
Some children become irritated when they express an intense emotion and their parent’s response is “correct,” but cool
A teenager said that she came home one afternoon in a rage because her best friend had betrayed a very personal secret She told her mother what had happened, and very matter-of-factly her mother commented “you are angry.” The girl said she cold not help snapping back with a sarcastic, “No Kidding.”
We asked her what she would have liked her mother to say. She thought a while and answered, “It was not the words; it was how she said it. It was as if she was talking about the feelings of someone she did not even care about. I guess I wanted her to show me that she was right in there with me. If she had just said something like, “Boy, Cindy, you must be furious at her!’ then I would have felt she understood.”
It is also not helpful when parents respond with more intensify than the child feels.
Example:
Teenager: (Grumbling) Steve kept me waiting in the street corner for half an hour,
and then he made up some story that I know is not true.
Mother: That is inexcusable! How could he do such a thing to you? He is
inconsiderate and irresponsible. You must feel like never seeing him again.
It probably never occurred to the teenager to react so violently to his friend or to consider
so drastic a retaliation.
All he probably needed from mother was an understanding grunt and a shake of the head
To convey sympathy for his irritation at his friend’s behaviour. He did not need the
additional burden of having to cope with her strong emotions
Children do not appreciate having the names they call themselves repeated by their
parents.
When a child tells you he is dumb or ugly or fat, it is not helpful to reply with, “Oh, so
you think you are dumb”, or “You really feel you are ugly.” Let us not cooperate with
him when he calls himself names. We can accept his pain without repeating the name.
Child: The teacher said we are only supposed to spend fifteen minutes a night
on our math. It took me a whole hour to finish. I must be dumb.
Parent: It can be discouraging when work takes longer that you expect.
Example:
Child: I look terrible when I smile. All you can see are my braces. I am ugly.
Parent: You really do not like the way you look in those things. And it probably does not
help to know that to me you are a pleasing sight-with or without your braces.