If a small child who does not talk yet touches something he should not, is not all right to slap his little hand?
Just because children are not talking does not mean they are not listening or understanding. Little children are learning every minute of every day. The question is, what are they learning? The parent has a choice here. She can repeatedly slap the child’s hand, thus teaching him that the only way for him to learn what not to do is to be slapped. Or she can treat the child as a dignified , small human being by giving him information he can use now and for the rest of his life. As she removes the child or the object, she can tell him firmly and clearly:
“Knives are not for licking. You can lick this spoon if you like.”
“This china dog can break. Your stuffed dog wont break.”
She may need to repeat the same information many times, but repeated information conveys a far different message from repeated slaps.
What is the difference between punishment and natural consequences? Are not they just different words for the same thing?
We see punishment as the parent deliberately depriving a child for a set period of time or inflicting pain upon him, in order to teach that child a lesson. Consequences, on the other hand, come about as natural result of the child’s behaviour.
Last week I found a pile of orange peels and pits on the sofa. When I asked my boys “Who did it?” each one pointed to the other. If it is not a good idea to find out which child is guilty and then punish him, what can I do?
The question “Who did it” usually leads to an automatic, “Not me” which in turn leads to “well one of you must be lying.” The more we try to get at the truth, the more loudly the children protest their innocence. When we see something that angers us, it is more helpful to express that anger than to locate the culprit and punish him:
“I get furious when I see food on our sofa! Orange peels can stain it permanently.”
At this point you may hear a chorus of, “But I did not do it.”
“He made me”, “The dog did it”.
This is our opportunity to let everyone know:
“I am not interested in knowing who did it, I am not interested in blaming anyone for what happened in the past. I am interested in seeing improvement in the future”.
By not blaming or punishing, we free the children to focus on taking responsibility, rather than on taking revenge.
“Now I ‘d like both of you to help clear the sofa of all peels and pits.”