The four ways to give first aid to a child in distress is to
- listen with full attention
- Acknowledge his feelings with a word
- Give a name to his feelings
- Grant him his wishes in fantasy.
But more important than any words we use is our attitude. If our attitude is not one of compassion, then whatever we say will be experienced by the child as phony or manipulated. It is when our words are infused with our real feelings or empathy that they speak directly to a child’s heart.
Of the four skills you have just illustrated, perhaps the most difficult is to have to listen to a child’s emotional outpourings and then give an name to the feeling. It takes practice and concentration to be able to look into and beyond what a child says, in order to identify what he or she might be feeling.
Yet another it is important that we give our children a vocabulary for their inner reality. Once they have the words for what they are experiencing, they can begin to help themselves.
Did you notice how much thought and effort it takes to let a child know you have a sense of what it is he or she might be feeling?. For most of us it does not come naturally to say things like:
“Boy, you sound angry” or
“That must have been a disappointment for you” or
“Sounds like as if you really resent all that homework”
And yet it is statements of this kind that give children comfort and free them to begin to deal with their problems. Do not worry about using words that are too big. The easiest way to learn a new word is to hear it used in context.
Giving advice:
Hold off on giving advice. It is very tempting to try to solve a child’s problem with an immediate solution:
“Ma, I am tired.”
“Then lie down and rest”
“I am hungry”
“Then eat something”
Resist the temptation to “make better” instantly, instead of giving advice, continue to accept and reflect your child’s feelings.
This is an example, A father reported that his young son came storming into the house saying:
Son: “I d like to punch that Michael in the nose”.
Father: “Why? What happened?”
Son: “He threw my notebook in the dirt”
Father: “Well did you do something to him first?”
Son: “No”
Father: “Are you sure?”
Son: “I swear, I never touched him”.
Father: “Well, Michael is your friend. If you take my advice, you will forget about the whole thing.
You are not so perfect you know. Sometimes you start up and then blame someone else-the way you do with your brother”.
Son: No I do not. He starts up with me first. . . . . Oh I can not talk to you.
But the father had just attended a workshop on helping his children deal with their feelings, and this is what actually took place:
Son: “I d like to punch that Michael in the nose”.
Father: “Boy, you are angry”.
Son: “I d like to push his fat face in”.
Father: “You are that mad at him”.
Son: “You know what that bully did? He grabbed my notebook at the bus stop and threw it in the
dirt. And for no reason.
Father: “Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm”.
Son: “I bet he thought I was the one who broke his dumb clay bird in the art room”
Father: “You think so”.
Son: “Yeah, he kept looking at me all the time he was crying”.
Father: “Oh.
Son: “But I did not break it, I did not”.
Father: “You know you did not”.
Son: “Well I did not do it on purpose, I could not help it if that stupid Debby pushed me into the
table”.
Father: “So Debby pushed you”
Son: “Yeah, A lot of things got knocked down, but the only thing that broke was the bird. I did not
mean to break it. His bird was good.
Father: “You really did not mean to break it”.
Son: “No, but he would not believe me”.
Father: “You do not think he’s believe you if you told him the truth”.
Son: “I dunno … I am gonna tell him anyway-whether he believes me or not. And I think he should
tell me he is sorry for throwing my notebook in the dirt”.
The father was astonished He had not ask questions and yet the child had told him the
whole story. He had not given one word of advice and yet the child had worked out his
Own solution. It seemed unbelievable to him that he could have been so helpful to his son just by listening and acknowledging his feelings.